Pay Cuts and Broken Bones

Nearly two months ago I broke my pinky toe in a freak walking accident. (For detailed Instagram pictures of the bruising, please email me.) Two weeks later I retired my cutoffs and floppy barista hats for a fulltime job at a magazine.

Note: These things are not related, other than the fact that now I’m an editor with a slightly-still-broken toe and a box full of hats.

And somewhere in the middle of all this, my parents called to tell me my childhood dog died. I cried. I cried for hours. I was 200 miles away and the liquids just kept pouring from my face. That night I did a shot of Jameson in Huey‘s name. It’s what he would have wanted. Well, that’s what I told the bartender at least.

Because — and say it with me everyone — when it rains, it pours.

Luckily, my toe will heal and Huey will be reincarnated. In the meantime — in case you come looking for me — I’ll be back on the bloodied rungs of the New York City media ladder making less money, working more and buying terrible coffee. But I’ll have weekends off and my hands will be soft! And hopefully after three topsy turvy post-grad years I’ll be back on track with all that long-term-goal nonsense.

But who knows, right? Weirder things have happened.

This is a picture of a dog with a cast because I broke my toe. Naturally.

What Being a Barista Has Taught Me

From the other side of the counter, I can see it all. In no particular order, here’s a dollop of what I’ve learned from over a year of barista-ing in New York City.

  1. MOST PEOPLE ARE GREAT: The majority of the people in the world are Grade-A human beings. (I’ve conducted a thorough study.)  More often than not, customers will tell you if you’ve accidentally given them too much change. They’ll return forgotten shopping bags, dropped wallets, and they’ll tip  – even when the latte you’ve handed them looks like a recently-erupted volcano. These people are the reason you get out of bed before the sun does.
  2. COFFEE IS ART: Like in every trade, coffee is best when it’s made by someone with extensive knowledge and training. Like artists, real baristas don’t press buttons.
  3. EVERYONE LOVES FLEETWOOD MAC AND HALL & OATES: Old people, young people, white people, Asian people, hipsters and gangsters — people love these bands because they’re familiar. That really exclusive indie album you’ve been dying to play? The one nobody has heard before? Oh yeah, that will flop miserably. But “Private Eyes” and “Go Your Own Way” are guaranteed to bring the house down. People will sing along and they’re most definitely going to dance. Prepare yourself.
  4. THIS IS WHY YOU’RE FAT: I beg you, please put down the sugar. Oh man, for the love of God, just try it before you dump garbage into it. Please? For me? For your bathing suit? Oh, it’s OK because you got it with skim milk. My bad, carry on.
  5. SILENCE IS GOLDEN: Unless someone starts chatting you up first, verbal interactions should be as brief as possible. Nothing is as unnerving as when a stranger asks you how your day is going when you’ve literally just rolled out of bed. Inside they’re yelling “OH MY GAH JUST SHUT UP AND HAND ME MY COFFEE. COFFEE, YES!” Keep things quick and easy. Anyone who enjoys small talk is not to be trusted. Throw croissants at them.
  6. ESPRESSO IS NOT SCARY: There is a lot more caffeine in a large cup of drip coffee than there is in espresso drinks. When people come in acting all dramatic and exhausted and loudly announce: “Oh man, I’m going to need a  LARGE latte THIS morning!” nobody is impressed. And even worse, the huge cup of milk you just spent $4.00+ on is just that. A whole lot of milk.
  7. DAYS START EARLY: It’s easy to forget when you’re young, unemployed, or just plain lazy how early most of the world gets up. But after being a barista, I realize how much you can fit into a day when you wake up at 6:15 in the morning. The early bird really does get the worm…  and the baked goods. Those always sell out by the afternoon.
  8. WHITE IS A BAD IDEA: You will get dirty. You will get sweaty. White leaves no room for you to hide your shame. That, and espresso is a beeotch to get out.
  9. NOBODY WILL TELL YOU WHEN YOU HAVE SOMETHING ON YOUR FACE: I can’t even count how many times I’ve chatted casually with people while I had globs of milk in my eyebrows or coffee grinds all over my face. Nobody wants to be the one to say, “Uh, you’ve got shit… everywhere…”. As a general rule, if people smile sheepishly or stare at you for longer than they usually do, it’s not because you’re looking hot in your new fedora. You’re probably covered in shmutz. Go find a mirror
  10. PEOPLE ARE CREATURES OF HABIT: People know what they like and they like what they know. If your large extra-hot cappuccino aint broke, don’t fix it. That, and most people don’t like to gamble in the morning.
  11. SOME PEOPLE ARE TERRIBLE: For roughly every 50 people you serve, at least one of them is bound to suck. These people will not make eye contact with you. They will mumble their complicated order while texting and then lose their mind when you don’t get it right. “Um, is this sooooyyy?” They will ask you, exasperated by your incomprehensible stupidity. Other times, these people are the ones who don’t hand you their money. They throw it on the counter, purposely avoiding your outstretched hand. Some people will try to steal, try to swindle you and haggle over prices. These people are terrible, but they’re not everyone. 

Some Notes on Pinterest

Macaroons, party favors, lampshades and fitness tips, OH MY!

Is anybody else sweating all of a sudden?

Don’t get me wrong, I love Pinterest, but sometimes it’s just so domestic and pink that it makes my teeth hurt. If pictures of baby animals wearing clothing don’t pop up on my homepage within the first minute or two of scrolling, I’m out.

Can’t a girl get a picture of a pig wearing a sunhat around here? Asparagus risotto? I just microwaved sweet and sour chicken for breakfast!

Here’s my problem: Since when did everyone I know get so goddamn domestic? Are you guys really making quilts from soda cans and popsicle sticks? Are you really doing all these ab-blaster workouts? It’s just a show, right? How many girl memos did I miss?

So I’ll happily follow your pins and watch from the sidelines. I’m sure I’ll even repin a couple of your pictures, because I really do like your plans for your master bedroom. But please understand, my room is barely big enough for my twin bed and I can’t even fit a gallon of milk in my refrigerator. So keep up the good work ladies, I look forward to pinning with you one day. For now though, I’ll see you on the “<3 CUTE <3″ boards, because they don’t make me sweat.

My Time as a Little Blue Dot

This was me this weekend. See me? I’m the little blue dot.

On a bus ride from New York City to Providence I spent an embarrassing amount of time refreshing this screen on my iPhone. I mean, how crazy is this feature? What did we do before we knew our exact location in the world at every moment? Seriously, HOW DID I LIVE?

And when my GPS had a small hiccup in the wilds of Connecticut I was lost. WHERE IS MY LITTLE BLUE DOT IN THE WORLD, I thought as I anxiously rubbed my forehead.

And then, as quickly as it was gone, my little blue dot was back. I had moved the whopping distance of my pinky finger. Phew. Balance restored. The endless stream of information flows on.  What a world.

Ahem… I Have an Announcement to Make

I have trouble focusing… always have, always will. When I was in the 1st grade I was diagnosed with ADHD and my parents made the brave (and crazy) decision not to medicate me. Or tell me.

“KEEP THAT LABEL AWAY FROM OUR CHILD!” I imagine my mom yelling, like Gandalf to the* Balrog, slamming her staff down, robes billowing in the wind.

So the years went by, and I simultaneously coasted and excelled in school, buoyed by my massive brain. Obviously. And each time a teacher suggested I might have ADD I simply laughed and brushed it away. “People always tell me that,” I’d say. “Weird, huh?”

It wasn’t until I had graduated from college that my mom casually mentioned my ADHD, like she’d casually mention what we were having for dinner that night.

I didn’t miss a beat. “I KNEW IT!” I yelled from the back seat of my dad’s Prius.

“Well of course you did, Meghan, you’re a smart girl,” my mom said.

(See what I mean?! Not normal, Mom.)

What happened after that was not pretty. I learned the hard way that there is no coasting in the real world. No one cares about how I score on aptitude tests. It’s all nose-to-the-grindstone, elbow-grease and early-bird-gets-the-worm out here, folks. There has been a bit of a learning curve. And I’ve learned to ask for help.

One of the things I struggle with most is updating this blog. And I can’t take it anymore! So I’m coming to you, wide world, on the other end of this series of tubes, and asking you to hold me accountable.

Because as silly as this little blog is, it means a lot to me, and over the years I’ve slowly built up a pile of posts that I’m really proud of. So, here I am, to announce my plan to begin updating my blog twice a week. IN CASE YOU MISSED THAT, MY GOAL IS TO POST TWICE A WEEK… RIGHT HERE ON MY LIL OL’ BLOG.

And if I don’t, I want you all to slap me around. Send me hate mail, hate tweets, passive aggressive texts and Facebook messages — whatever it takes. Cool? Because that little girl who used to turn reading lessons into classroom-sized games of duck, duck, goose is still inside me.

Thanks world. You’re the best.

*EDIT: see my brother’s comment